starting to get withdrawal symptoms

[ktv303]

quite smoking a while ago, it was quite easy cause i was fooked with the flu then a chest infection for over a month so i couldnt smoke even if i wanted to.

 

but....

 

where the fekk is sickipedia?

its been down for yonks, page has been saying itl be back in 72 hours for weeks and weeks.

 

need my daily fix of shit dodgy jokes so anyone know of a decent alt.

 

ta

[goldringers]

There's this bloke and his wife are in bed when the hear a loud banging on the door about 3 in the morn. The man gets up and goes to the door where there's a guy stood there , pissed, stood in the pouring rain asking for a push.

 

"No fookin chance," says the bloke, "it's 3 in the morn !" He slams the door and goes back to bed.

 

"Who was that ?" asked his wife. "Just some pissed guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "Did I bollocks !, it's 3 in the morn and it's fookin pissin down !!"

 

"Well, you've a short memory !," says his wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

 

The husband does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pissin down rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[ktv303]

well that covered the "shit" part right enough lol

[goldringers]

A guy decides to go on a hunting trip in Canada on his own so he books into a hotel and heads to the local gun shop. He ask the shop owner "Which is a good gun to hire and were's the best places to hunt ?" The shop owner says "Take this" and hands him a small rifle and says "Head for the big forest on the mountain and the back , there's loads of bears in there", so all kitted out the guy heads off to do some bear hunting.

 

While he's moving slowly through the woods he spots a bear in the distance on his hinds legs slowly walking through the trees so he leans against a tree to steadies himself and takes a shot. There's a load bang and when he looks over there's no sign of the bear so he legs over and starts rummaging through the under growth. Suddenly he gets a tap on his shoulder. He turns round to see the bear stood there "Keks down!" says the bear. The guy thinks , what the fuck. The bear then gives him the signal to lower his pants so if fear for his life the guy drops his pants and the bear leathers him from behind.

 

The guy shocked and angry and disgusted heads back down to the store and confronts the gun shop owner but doesn't mention getting rodgered by the bear. He says to him, "Have you anything bigger gun wise ?" so the guy hands him large sniper rifle and say "This will go through amour plating and take the legs off a fly and a 100 paces".

 

So all armed up once again the guy heads back up the mountain. Suddenly he see's the bear again walking human like on it's back legs so he takes aim and BANG!. He looks but can't see anything so again he runs over and starts to look for a dead or injured bear when all of a sudden he feels the same tap on his shoulder. He slowly turns his head to see the bear stood there, "Keks off !" says the bear and the signal from the bear to remove his pants. They gut thinks oh ffs not again !!!. After the 2nd rodgering from the bear he heads back to the store and rants and raves at the gun shop owner asking for something more powerful. At this point the owner goes into the back and comes out with a bazooka. He says "Take this but be careful. Once you launch with this it will incinerate anything within a 20m radius.

 

So off back up the mountain heads the guy thinking , this fuckin bear wont survive this. Again , from out the blue he see's the bear walking again upright through the trees like he's on a Sunday stroll so he lines up and fires the bazooka . The forest is illuminated with explosion and the trees brought down everywere. Once the dust settles he marches over expecting to find the remains of bear scattered everywere,Then all of a sudden he feels a tap tap tap on his shoulder. He slowly turns his head round to see the bear once again stood the , the bear says;-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You don't just come here for the hunting do ya !"

[ktv303]

^me