Santa Slimbo

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8859035/Woman-discovers-x-rated-optical-illusion-mirror.html

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how long have you been a wafer.

What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the rest and who cant stop blinking?

A winky wonky

What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the rest and who cant stop blinking but is great on the piano?

A winky wonky honky tonky donkey

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The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' the guy said, well since ive got all the money i dont really need anything else as i can just now buy what ever i want. so the genie said if i dont use the 3 wishes then you dont get anything so after a long think the guy said I'd like to make beautiful women love me, women I could enjoy this money with so wherever i go i want fanny dripping off me and hanging on my every word i say.' The genie went Poof!', and there was gorgeous women everywhere and girls who immediately loved him.

Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'... the guy thinks long and hard and says to the genie hes got all the money and all the women there really is nothing else the guy could ever want for, the genies gets right pissed off and says if you dont make a third wish youre getting nothing so stop fucking about and pick something, the guy think and thinks and thinks but cant come up with anything so just turns to the genie and says.

fuck it just give me a big orange head. 

(*maybe)

“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”

bet your glad you stayed in the house eh.

in work early this morning and one of the crew(a) pipes up "every time i make coffee in here its very sweet"

so crew (b) pipes up "put less sugar in it then"

theres a light bulb moment on crew (a) like hes just discovered the meaning of life as he walks away mumbling "less sugar!!!" 

crew b c d e f etc are pissing themselves laughing.

(maybe you had to be there lol)

so when they return to port they can scan da navy in.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to

make a dent in that pile of sand.'

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was

untouched.

He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinafella he was

a ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda

him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I

told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get

myself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but

ah could fin' him either.'

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to

look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,

'SUPPLIES!!! !'

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The> stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't

have your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I'll get me coat.

I'm alright though, it just superfishoil injuries.

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so we went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, turns out he wants to be a web developer.

(taxi)

Chernobyl fall out!!